ANGER
I'm angry. Full of rage. Full of guilt for feeling the rage. Who feels rage for something so innocent? Who feels rage for a cat who just wants her needs met? For a mother who is aging and not even aware of her transgressions? What kind of person would feel this?
I do. I'm angry and full of rage. I feel so much resentment towards a cat who just wants her needs met through ME and I don't want to meet her needs. I don't want to meet her period. I don't want to feel the responsibility for making sure that she is cared for and content. I didn't ask for her. I didn't ask to be responsible for her but I did it anyway and I resent her for it. I resent her for coming up to me, half dead and NEEDING so much when I couldn't even give myself what I needed. She was so sick but so was I. I saw her but she didn't see me. Nobody saw me. I needed too. When do I matter? When is it ok to take care of ME first? When is it ok to say "NO, I won't rescue you today. I don't have any more room on my back to carry you."? I'm tired. I'm done in and I don't want to do it anyway. Is it ok that I don't want to help you? Is it ok that I just want to take care of ME? It doesn't feel ok.
I'm angry and full of rage towards a mother who doesn't hear me. I speak but she doesn't hear me. I keep looking for her to tell me it's ok but she can't tell me that because she needs me to tell her that it's ok. It's mine to carry. Always my burden to bear. I'm so tired but so is she. She's been bearing burdens longer than I have and she doesn't have room on her back to carry anyone either. She never has. She's been overwhelmed longer than me. She comes over and can't even form a coherent sentence because she hasn't eaten anything but a kale salad all day and her brain doesn't work. So I make her some food and I take the keyboard away and type her letter for her. She just went to 4 stores to get my food, hauled it up the stairs, fed the chickens that were out of water again and moved more of her things into the storage room. She's done in and there's no room left to listen to me. No room left to hold my burdens for a minute. She needs someone to offload hers to instead. It makes me feel so responsible and burdened and ANGRY and guilty.
And I'm not even a good daughter. I should be helping more. I should be helping her move and get her house ready for sale. I should be combing through the decades of shit that she's ignored so that they can cut ties with this history and move on but I can't because I'm sick. I'm sick from being so burdened and pushing to be the good daughter, the good friend, the good co-worker, the good neighbor, the good stranger, the good girlfriend, the good animal parent, the good human. I'm so fucking tired of earning my way to good enough. I'm SO fucking tired of the endless responsibility and burden. I'm SO fucking tired of never feeling enough. I'm so tired. When is it enough?
I do. I'm angry and full of rage. I feel so much resentment towards a cat who just wants her needs met through ME and I don't want to meet her needs. I don't want to meet her period. I don't want to feel the responsibility for making sure that she is cared for and content. I didn't ask for her. I didn't ask to be responsible for her but I did it anyway and I resent her for it. I resent her for coming up to me, half dead and NEEDING so much when I couldn't even give myself what I needed. She was so sick but so was I. I saw her but she didn't see me. Nobody saw me. I needed too. When do I matter? When is it ok to take care of ME first? When is it ok to say "NO, I won't rescue you today. I don't have any more room on my back to carry you."? I'm tired. I'm done in and I don't want to do it anyway. Is it ok that I don't want to help you? Is it ok that I just want to take care of ME? It doesn't feel ok.
I'm angry and full of rage towards a mother who doesn't hear me. I speak but she doesn't hear me. I keep looking for her to tell me it's ok but she can't tell me that because she needs me to tell her that it's ok. It's mine to carry. Always my burden to bear. I'm so tired but so is she. She's been bearing burdens longer than I have and she doesn't have room on her back to carry anyone either. She never has. She's been overwhelmed longer than me. She comes over and can't even form a coherent sentence because she hasn't eaten anything but a kale salad all day and her brain doesn't work. So I make her some food and I take the keyboard away and type her letter for her. She just went to 4 stores to get my food, hauled it up the stairs, fed the chickens that were out of water again and moved more of her things into the storage room. She's done in and there's no room left to listen to me. No room left to hold my burdens for a minute. She needs someone to offload hers to instead. It makes me feel so responsible and burdened and ANGRY and guilty.
And I'm not even a good daughter. I should be helping more. I should be helping her move and get her house ready for sale. I should be combing through the decades of shit that she's ignored so that they can cut ties with this history and move on but I can't because I'm sick. I'm sick from being so burdened and pushing to be the good daughter, the good friend, the good co-worker, the good neighbor, the good stranger, the good girlfriend, the good animal parent, the good human. I'm so fucking tired of earning my way to good enough. I'm SO fucking tired of the endless responsibility and burden. I'm SO fucking tired of never feeling enough. I'm so tired. When is it enough?
Comments
Post a Comment