The Unforgiven

It seems that what I've been feeling the last few months has been a hot bed of ANGER. I look back at what's sparked the most rage and pain and it seems it is my perception of being judged for not trying hard enough and/or not getting my shit together enough to take back the weight of the responsibilities I've had to set down in illness.

I've had immense pressure to be well enough to go back to work. I have passed the expiration date of understanding and support. It doesn't matter what my body is telling me, everyone outside of me has expectations and they seem to know more than my body does. It's been 4.5 years, that's long enough, I need to just accept where I am and go back to pushing through like everyone else does.

What I've learned through illness is how truly unfair and unloving I have been to myself. I've come to understand that until I can ACT from a place of self love and acceptance, I'll just keep DOING to cover up my shame and inadequacy. It's not so much what you do but the energy you carry while you are doing it. I am still trying to connect to my inner voice so I can follow the guidance of my soul rather than the old patterns of survival that contributed to illness in the first place.